What if?
by my-name-is-V
Summary: What if there was an all girl team in Naruto...RANDOMNESS! Lots of humor! first fic on fanfiction! CRACK FIC BIG TIME! chapter 1 reviesed sry about the technical difficulties PLEASE REVIEW!
1. hitler, llamas, and soap operas

This is our first fan fic on so peas be nice!

We wrote this fan fic for the following reasons:

we can 

strawberries took over our minds…they were good too

we wondered what would happen if there was an all girl team on Naruto

Disclaimer: we do not own Naruto! Just our souls and sanity… wait scratch out sanity

**Chapter 1**

**Hitler, Llamas, and soap operas**

Outside the Woods Of DOOM (or the 100 acre woods)

"We're here!," shouted Roxy (a/n an OOC)

"Where are we?" Shika asked as she tried to read the map backwards.

"Here!" Roxy said as she attempted to point to where they were on the map of doom.

"I don't see anything that says here on the map!" screamed Shika.

"The map never lies,'' said D.C. Washington as it appeared out of nowhere

"Whatever you say D.C. Washington," said Chadisa, another ninja on the team of weird and freaky girls.

"For your information my name is District of Columbia Washington," D.C. said in a very preppy voice that was way too high pitched.

Sasuke, Sakura, Naruto ,Ino, Shikamaru, Choji, rock lee, Ten Ten, Neji, Hinata, Shino, Kiba, Gaara, Temari, and Kankour are outside the woods of Doom.

"Who are you people?" asked Sasuke.

Chadisa, Roxy, and Shika answer them, with purposefully geeky voice, at the same time, "We're ourselves!"

"Are you making fun of me! I'm not a pig and I don't watch Jerry Springer on Friday nights while eating Ben and Jerry's ice cream…" said Ino, obviously offended.

"Whore! Whoops! I mean pig!" said Sakura who was clearly having a great time making fun of Ino.

"You're not a pig, you're a good, nice, beautiful, hardworking person inside and out!" said Andy, who is an Amish person who popped out of nowhere and thinks she's a ninja ,even though her mommy won't let her become one…(a/n don't ask)

"My insides are hardworking and beautiful?" asked Ino.

"You rock at science and you're the best study buddy in the world! I AM YOUR STALKER!"

"Aaahhh! Shika hide me!" Ino screamed while running toward Shikamaru.

Shika throws the map at Ino and half screams, "WHAT?" (a/n Ino called shikamaru, Shika and the actual Shika was confused… if you understand that at all)

"AHH! Paper cut! Help me Sasuke-kun! There's a girl who thinks her name is Shika!!" yelled Ino who was being a big baby.

"NO MY FIFTY CENT MAP IS COVERED IN MUD! THAT WAS A WHOLE PAY CHECK!!"

"Be gone," yelled Garra, yes yelled.

"No one was talking to you!" screamed Roxy.

"Do you wear eyeliner or are you naturally a raccoon?" asked Shika very, very stupidly.

Garra said in a sarcastic voice, yes sarcastic, "Oh yeah I wear Maybaline eyeliner that I got at Wal-Mart called 'Berry-luscious black'"

Roxy and Shika say simultaneously, "Then we have the perfect song for you," and burst out in song ''cause I'm an emo kid, I listen to songs like die staby stab and rip your heart out with a spoon and feed it to your self…" (a/n yes very emolicious! ((my friend came up with that!)))

Garra said in response "That's Shika- luscious"

Chadisa walks back from the store… we were so caught up in our song that we didn't even notice her leave!

"Chadisa, where have you been?" asked Roxy.

"Oh, I bought some tomatoes and… fuck wrong bag! Well, I bought four cases of coke"(a/n you know the twelve packs)

Shika tries to figure out how many cokes that is by writing out in the air

"So that's 106 cokes!" Shika wondered out loud.

"No…there's forty-eight cans… baka!" said Roxy rather loudly.

"… Naruto I found you a girlfriend…" Sasuke said in monotone.

"Huh?" asked Naruto.

"Just as annoying as you, too," he continued

"Huh?" asked Shika. (a/n she really is as stupid as Naruto ((in a good way)) we always tell her that!)

"Okay… Welcome to the… FOREST OF DOOM!" said Kakashi-sensei.

Then comes the evil laughs and storms suddenly brew.

"How dramatic!" yelled Chadisa.

"Ow! I just got hit by thunder!" Shika was obviously hurt.

"Perfect match," muttered Sasuke.

"SHUT UP! Okay… you must make it through staying in the forest for 5 days!... There will be no enemies… all you have to do is survive through… EACH OTHER!" Kakashi sure was dramatic.

There was a high eye piercing fan girl scream coming from Shika's direction.

Everyone's eardrums are now bleeding and off in the distance you can hear Sasuke yelling "Oh god there after me again! There coming to take me away!"

"What was that for?" asked Kakashi.

"Uhh...it seemed like the right time to scream"

"My ears…" Ino said in pain.

"Oops! I went soprano on you…"

"Oh a few more things, you have to stay together. That means if you leave than you have to come back because I don't think anyone will go out looking for you and I think that you don't want to die… unless you're Garra! If you're dead you can't win the prize!" Kakashi rambled on about the rules.

"Great I get to spend the next five days with these stupid people," Sasuke mumbled just loud enough that everyone around him could hear.

"YAY! We get to spend the week with Sasuke-kun!" yelled Sakura and Roxy simultaneously and then gave each other the evil glare.

"So… what's the prize?" asked Shika.

Kakashi paused there for dramatic effect, "STUFFED BUNNY!"

"YAY! WOO!" You can guess who yelled that…Shika of course! There was an awkward silence, until Sasuke spoke.

"Okay let me rephrase what I said earlier… that stupid idiot." He pointed to Shika.

"Okay we need to move on now… go get your tents and head to the middle of the… WOODS OF DOOM!" yelled Kakashi, so that everyone could hear them.

"Okay that is really getting old!" muttered Roxy

In the woods of DOOM, while they are walking to the middle of it

"I am annoyed!" yelled Sasuke, clearly he was annoyed.

"Oh, but Sasuke-kun you get to spend 5 days with me!" Roxy said with enthusiasm.

"You're even more annoying then Sakura!"

"Yes! Some one finally more annoying then me!" yelled Sakura.

"Yes! I am annoying! Oh yeah!," Roxy said and started to do a victory dance.

Sasuke throws a dictionary at Roxy.

"Whoa! You can afford one of those! They're like 2 dollars! That's 4 of my paychecks!" Shika said in pure amazement.

"Where do you work?" asked Sasuke.

"Where you don't work! Actually I pick corn and apples and then bring it to Hitler's house and then he puts mustard and mayo and a hint of honey and washes it down with some gravy," she continued to ramble.

"T.M.I…" Naruto yelled disgusted.

"…and sometimes Hitler gets lonely at night so I have to bring him some chickens and a duck and sometimes a llama and some grape juice and he puts it in a pot and shoves some wheat in it and eats fried duck leg and drinks champagne in his grandma's shed." Shika continued to ramble on.

Sakura sat in silence with a question look on her face.

"And when he gets mad he-," Shika was rudely cut off by Sasuke.

"I DON'T CARE!" Sasuke yelled trying to ignore her.

Shika threw a duck at him

"EVERYONE GET THEIR TENTS AND LEAVE! MY SOAPS AND BIG BROTHER 7 (a/n the tv show big brother not a person)ARE GOING TO BE ON TV SOON AND IM GOING TO MISS THEM! GAH!" Kakashi yelled.

"We've already done that…so why are u yelling at us…and throwing chairs at us too?" Roxy asked questionably.

"MAN! IAM HERE FOR NO IMPORTANT REASON! AND I COULD HAVE SEEN WHO EMILY WAS CHEATING ON WITH! AND WHO SARAH'S DAUGHTER IS!" Kakashi yells.

"I SAW THAT EPISODE! I mean…go away!" Sasuke said, at first very excited and then he remembered he was around actual people.

"Sarah's daughter is Dilly Dally Shilly Shally…" Naruto said.

"U RUINED IT FOR ME!," Kakashi said as he ran home.

"Now since this strange ordeal has left our lives in a peaceful march of white horses and flags and children going "cuckoo!" we can now split up to get fire wood, set up tents, and find marshmallows!" said Sasuke being the responsible one and taking charge.

Roxy had hearts in her eyes and said, "That's my Sasuke-kun! Taking charge!"

Everyone split up and the groups are: Sasuke, Roxy, Shika, Chadisa, Kelly, Sakura, and Naruto are looking for marshmallows; Ino, Choji, Shikamaru, Rock lee, Ten Ten, Neji, and Hinata are looking for fire wood and Shino, Garra, Temari, Kankour were setting up the tents.

"NO! WHY DO WE GET THE HARD JOB? FIRE WOOD IS SUPER HARD TO FIND IN THE WOODS WITH LOTS OF YUMMY STICKS AND TREES!" yelled Ten Ten, clearly pissed off about the job that she had been assigned.

Neji said, "Tell me about it girl friend! Aaahhh! My nail polish is chipping off!" (a/n we are so kidding… sorry to all you Neji fan girls)

Rock Lee was twitching in a corner. How he found that corner… I have no clue.

"Let's go find the marshmallow tree!" Well apparently Shika is excited.

Meanwhile…

"Let's go find my momma's house! Dang I forgot where she lives! She got a new front door! Now I can't watch my soaps!" yelled Kakashi as he walked down a busy street to his momma's house.

Back to this interesting thing we peoples call a fan fic…

"Hmmmm…I wonder where it is!" Roxy wondered out loud.

"Dobes, there's no such thing as a marshmallow tree!" Sasuke said. (a/n SHUN! SHUN THE NONBELIVER SSSSHHHHUUUNNNN!!!)

"Yes there is and at the top there is Edward Elric because he likes marshmallows." Shika explained. (a/n EDO-KUN! Just so you know this Ed is from Fullmetal Alchemist and Shika is the Ed fan girl)

"Just like when there's a tomato tree, you're at the top!" Roxy attempted to explain.

EWWW! Tomatoes!" yelled Shika.

"I' m not at the top of a tomato tree!" retorted Sasuke.

Suddenly a tomato tree pops out of the ground, underneath Sasuke, so now he's at the top of the tree.

"See you are at the top of a tomato tree!" Shika yelled up to Sasuke.

"SHUT UP! I CANT HELP IT IF PIGS ATE MY FARM!" yelled Sasuke from the top of a very tall tree.

"But pigs are…pink!" yelled Shika.

Insert scary music here…and some pocky so I can eat it

Oooh! Big cliff hanger! Please review! We'll update as soon as possible…and it would help if a strange, demonic fruit took over our mind…XD XD! They were really good strawberries!

-Shika and Roxy


	2. melons and scared little boys

Ok so we're finally updating after… I don't even know. I lost count. And we found out we got 64 hits but 2 reviews…(thanks Shelby and Makku! We love u guys! ) and we're not surprised…I mean the last chapter was…interesting. Yeah interesting. We didn't expect people to be like "omg. You guys are the greatest writers ever!" And if you thought so…you're crazy. And if you thought we were crazy you were right. So we're staying away from strawberries…even though I had one last night…BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT. So from now on we will try to update every day…or two days depending on what's going on. Or next week cuz we're extremely busy. Its crazy. We have Youth Group and Bible Study tomorrow. And UIL and Ovation practice on Friday. And Saturday I have Ovation and a service project…and so…sorry if it takes a while but NOT TOO LONG DON'T WORRY!!!

And…this chapter is based on Dane Cook's "dream house." Its one of the funniest things. (and bear with us…I know the characters are OOC. But it's for your enjoyment…and ours of course…)

Disclaimer: if we owned Naruto do you seriously think we would be writing this fan fic? And we don't own the dream house, or country singers, or Breaking Benjamin. Although they are a kick-ass band. They are entitled to their souls. All we own is my Orochimaru action figure with an interchangeable head. Heck yes!! XD

And right now Jane is messing with it…scarrryyyyy…I mean you should see him neckless...oh and he's a skanky boy. Haha. Don't ask…XD

We were all in the woods searching for that damn marshmellow tree while Ten Ten complained about the lack of sticks and why she always got all the hard jobs. I mean come on we were in the frickin WOODS.

"What does PMS stand for?" Sasuke asked randomly. Everyone had to stifle a laugh. (a/n: he's based off of one of my emotionally-hardcore brother's friends…so naïve…so…youthful…so perverted…)

"Umm...parrot…motorcycle…society…" Sakura said partially freaking out. Such a bad liar.

"Oh…I would like to go a PMS." Sasuke said before a melon fell on his head.

And speaking of melons…

Where were Shika and Jane and the other people of no importance? (a/n: joking guys…we love you a WHOLE bunch…uh huh…)

Well whatever.

"Omigod it's a spider!", Neji said while pointing and screaming and jumping around like a little girl. Which he kinda did look like with his luscious locks of long gorgeous brown hair. Herbal Essances bitches!

"KILL IT SAKURA! KILL IT!!!" all the guys screamed in unison and then they thought it was so cool how catchy they sounded they started singing "Don't Phunk with my heart" by BEP with Sasuke as Fergie.

"No no no no…don't phunk with my heart!" Sasuke sang and God got so annoyed with his awful singing he made it rain.

"Aww…my hair is getting ruined…what what is that!?" Naruto said pointing to a very, very large house. Larger than the second melon that fell on Sasuke's head.

They walked forward towards the large towering house. It looked really creepy, like something you would see in a scary movie…or Scooby Doo. Gaara's favorite scary movie of all time. It made him want to wash all his eyeliner away. (a/n: Don't kill me Jenny…)

They all walked in, reluctantly I might add, and noticed something. Everything was perfectly clean. They were no spider webs or dust. A maid went up and greeted them, saying, "Hello, we've been expecting you." That and the fact that Jane and Shika and the rest of them were all missing, freaked them out.

Naruto ran around the room waving his arms and screaming like a little girl (which everyone seems to be doing lately…. Maybe it's a new fad!). While Sasuke was shivering, yes shivering and Niji (Neji's new nickname. Girly isn't it) was in the fetal position sing Barney. The girls on the other hand went to explore the rest of the house and discovered in order to get to the kitchen from the living room you had to swim across a canal. In fact, instead of hallways there were canals.

Meanwhile outside Orochimaru and Kabuto were standing in the rain and having fun like two teenage girls at a slumber party. Actually…that's what they wished they could act like. Instead they stood there like 2 old men and looked at the front door and longed for some of Orochimaru's mom's sister's aunt's baby's uncle's father twice removed's famous pecan pie.

"Ssssson Kabuto…we sssshal have the boy." Orochimaru said…hissed.

"Which one?" Kabuto said looking through the window at Sasuke and Neji.

"WOAH!? HOLY FLYING MACREL! THAT ONE'S A BOY??" He said looking at Neji dumfounded. (a/n: sorry…I couldn't help myself. XD)

"Why yes…or so I've thought…my calculations could be incorrect, see if you add a squared to the square root of pie and then subtract by 7 you shall get…" Kabuto started.

"Shut up! I don't really care you door. Yes im calling you a door, whatcha gonna do about it?" Orochimaru asked Kabuto. "Anywayssss…we shall capture him and bribe with candy if we must, MWHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Orochimaru said.

…crickets.

Orochimaru cleared his throat. "Where's my medicine…" He frantically searched through his Coach purse but only found a few crushed candy canes, a barbie sticker from his doctor, and his social butterfly wallet for $4.98 at Wal-Mart.

Meanwhile inside the house…

"Let's turn on the radio." Sasuke said turning on a random radio that appeared out of nowhere along with the third melon that fell on Sasuke's head. (a/n: one of the spelling suggestions for Sasuke is "Sauce." Haha. XD)

"What hurts the most…"

That's what came on to the radio.

"OMGOD I LOVE THIS SONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Sasuke screamed hugging everyone in the process.

"What hurts the most…" Sasuke started singing.

"Being knocked out on a bench?" Sakura said tilting her head to one side with a confused look like a lost puppy. (a/n: im bad at analogies…but you should be happy Mrs. Redman that I can spell "analogies" and that I forgot my vocab book at school.)

"What hurts the most…was being so close…and being knocked out on a bench…and watching me walk away…and never knowing that you could bear my children…" Sasuke sang along to the tune of "What Hurts the most" (Rascal Flatts) (a/n: and no we don't own him either.)

Sakura looked at him like he was crazy.

"WTF!?" She said and hoped the rain would stop very soon. But it got so much worse…

Haha!!! We finished updating for today! We'll update on Monday when we have free time. My UIL…yay…I have to wear my dress that's like a corset…and cant breathe…better yet sing…and If I don't sing loud then…people freak out…cuz they can hear themselves.

Haha.

-Shika

And oh…Jane says "hi."

-Jane

Oh and please review! It makes us feel super happy!!!

And no flames…they make us feel super sad…

-Shika and Jane. (trust us…it'll get so much funnier!!!! XD we have it all planned out!)


	3. hoochimama you skank!

**Okay so we finally found some time to update…**

**And people better REVIEW!**

**I didn't go to UIL and wear the dress for nothing…**

**Heh…**

**Review…or I'll kill something.**

**Hah. Or not.**

**-Shika**

**and Jane says hi again…actually she's eating a cookie but that's okay **

**Disclaimer: we don't own Naruto…just a couple of straws…mmm…straws…**

So after they got Sasuke out of his pink boots and cowboy hat and him take down the karaoke stage that he decorated himself with blue ribbons and paper cows, Sakura decided that she was hungry and wanted to eat.

"Okay I'll be in the kitchen." She said, diving into in the canal and swimming towards the kitchen. (a/n: don't forget that instead of hallways there are canals

"Can you see them sunflowergirl55?" Shika asked Jane through a walkie talkie.

"Nope…sorry cookieavenger1011." (a/n: okay…so me and Jane were walking around the school during advisory cuz we can and we made up these names…and I was having a conversation with myself... I was like "why 1,011?" "because it's a stupid number...and moose (me) is stupid." "…I just made fun of myself." Haha. Jane was right in the first chapter)

"What are you losers doing?" Chadisa asked floating around in a pink floatie in her normal clothes and her trench coat, and huge rock star glasses (even though they were inside) and she was holding lemonade with an umbrella in it with one hand.

"You two are standing right next to each other." She said taking a sip of her lemonade and then her float crashed into a rock and she almost fell into the water.

"Really…?", "OMG JANE!"

"SHIKA!?"

"Wow…when'd you get there?" Shika asked.

"I was going to ask you the same thing." Jane replied. They both hadn't grasped the fact that they always been standing next to each other with walkie talkies.

"…"

Another awkward silence and they could hear Chadisa yelling at the rock because IT crashed into HER float.

"Okay, Kelly Clarkson…turn off all the power." Jane said (a/n: Kelly Clarkson is based off another friend of ours

Kelly went to the little switch thing and tried to figure out the possible ways of pushing it with her finger.

"Hmm…mmm…m….m…mmm…(sorry having fun with the m's XD mm…what's taking Sakura so long to cook." Choji asked rather annoyed that she wasn't done yet.

"Lets check." He added to himself. So everyone jumped into the canal and swam to the kitchen besides Shikamaru because it was too troublesome.

It took everyone a while to get to the other side because they ran into the Scooby Doo gang and had to give them directions to the nearest gas station.

"Sakura what's taking so lon-" Ino demanded as everyone watched the scene in front of them.

Sakura was standing there stirring a pot of water and singing…well more like attempting to sing through clenched teeth.

"You had to have it all." SNAP. The top of the stirring spoon broke.

"Well have you had enough, you greedy little bastard you will get what you deserve." (a/n: CREEPY! The song just started playing on the playlist…XD

(AND WE DON'T OWN BREAKING BENJAMIN EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE A KICK-ASS BAND. )

She took the broken spoon and chucked it at the wall and the lights went out . Kelly finally figured out how to push the button.

"I CANT BOIL WATER WHEN THERES NO LIGHTS ON!" Sakura screamed and threw the pot into the canal which almost hit Chadisa's float.

"ZOMG A POT! SQUEEEE!" Shika screamed and attempted to crawl into the pot and floated down the canal only to be yelled at by Chadisa for running into her float. (a/n: we're laughing so hard…because I can actually envision me doing this XD)

"Oh hi guys. " Sakura said grinning. (A/n: mood swings much?)

"Sasuke and Gaara go check the lights." Everyone demanded, so they set forth with this difficult task…but then Gaara got distracted and left to an unknown place so Sasuke had to go by himself.

"I hear footsteps! Go behind the paintings!" Jane screamed to Shika and Chadisa since they were floating in random objects down the canal.

After much difficulty they finally got behind the horse paintings and they could see who was coming down the hallway through the eyes.

"Who do you think it is?" Kelly asked.

"Beats me." Jane replied dodging a melon that almost fell on her head.

But before they could loudly whisper to each other they heard humming to…"What hurts the most" and everyone knew it was Sasuke and Shika couldn't stop giggling so they shoved her in the lab THAT THEY COULDN'T FIND. (a/n: gasp!)

"GUYS! LET ME OUT OF HERE!!!" Shika screamed but heard no reply.

After a while she slid down to the floor and looked around the lab.

"BOO!" Gaara screamed giggling as his head was replaced by a gigantic melon.

"What the sdjf;sadtujer wjkg!?" Shika asked.

Just as the melon head was about to talk to her Orochimaru popped out of the shadows.

"Put meeeee to sleeeep evil angeeeeel." Orochimaru sang rather badly.

"…well…this is rather awkward." Shika stated staring at him like he was mental.

"Now let me out of here." She said shoving Kabuto away from the door that he was painting a beautiful picture just like Sai, the homosexual milkman with a third lip would do in a situation like this.

"Hey im crippled!" Kabuto whined.

"I don't care…I would still happily beat you down with a baseball bat even if you wree on crutches." (a/n: hm…im such a nice person. This is what I Shika said to a guy in my science class because he wouldn't let us out of the door and nobody likes him anyways.)

"Hey where's that lab again?" Jane wondered as they all looked at a map that said "LAB HERE!"

After 3 hours of searching for the lab that was right in front of their faces they found it and walked in and saw a melon face talking to them and a Shika that was currently trying to break off Kabuto's arms.

"Hey guys!" Shika yelled.

"Lets give Orochimaru a make over!" Jane said randomly as another melon fell on Gaaras face and stacked on top of the other one.

"Yeah…he looks like a homo." Chadisa said

"He is a homo." Shika added kicking Kabuto in the side for moving when she was trying to yank out of his arms.

So they stole all of Gaara's makeup in his sand gourd and put on blue whore shadow, a white mini skirt, a pink tank top that said "cute but sandy", bright pink lip gloss and put his hair up in multiple ponytails. He looked like he just fell off of the empire state building into the trash can and then got back up. BEAUTIFUL.

"HOOCHIMAMA, YOU SKANK!" They all said at the same time while all the mirrors broke.

"Now lets show Sasuke- kun!"

dun dun dun!!!

Until the next chapter!!

**Okay now you have to freaking review or I will kill jane!!!**

**She is currently sitting there helplessly eating chips.**

**No she is not Choji…**

**SAFLJSADGWDF**

**REVIEW PUH-LEEZE!**

**WE'LL LOVE YOU FOREVER!! **

**((the first ch. Is edited. )**

**And no flames.**

**But constructive criticism is welcome.**

**But we like good comments.**

**-Shika and Jane**


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